I was raised in a household where abandonment was prevalent, but
the repercussions of it weren’t spoken of or felt. My father died in a
swimming accident when I was 6. The shock of that was so great for my
mother that she suffered for years with that trauma and wasn’t emotionally
available for my older sister and me. In retrospect, on the day of my
father’s death, we really lost 2 parents. Not knowing how to handle the
trauma, mother sent us to school the next day and got rid of all dad’s
clothes. His body wasn’t found until 3 months later and we were given
recognition in the local paper for his heroic attempt to save a drowning boy
in the strong undertow of Lake Michigan.
This and other dysfunctional episodes throughout my childhood
impacted me so deeply that as a teenager I was caught between thoughts
of suicide or shamefully and secretly seeking help in therapy. Therapy
gave some relief which also led to various endeavors of more healing
throughout a good part of my life. During this journey, I kept seeing a
reoccurring theme of abandonment underlying the problems and
complexes that came up. It was playing out in the relationships I had and
communities I was part of. I saw how widespread and deeply embedded
this issue was with so many people. I would find myself saying to them,
“Wow, you make my childhood look like it wasn’t so bad! Do you still keep
in contact with those who did that to you?” Often times the answer was:
“Yes. What choice do I have? They are family.”
Out of the different kinds of healing work I’ve done over the years, I
owe a lot of my recovery to joining 12 Step Anon programs in 2000 and
taking up meditation and yoga in 1994. Most of us have heard of AA for
Alcoholics Anonymous. There are also a plethora of other addictions out
there using the 12 Step model of recovery such as Sexaholics, Gamblers,
Overeaters, Shoppers, and Gamers Anonymous to name just a handful. I
attended meetings for those who are in a relationship to an addict from our
past or in our present. The meetings focus on becoming free from the
struggle of us trying to control an addict’s addiction and behavior. The
sobriety of another person is not our responsibility. Through written work
suggested in 12 Step, we are shown how to let go of years of resentments
and anger held towards others, and feel the pain of powerlessness over the
behavior of others doing or not doing what we want them to do. I felt such
a release when I finally grasped on a deep level that I was just responsible
for my own thoughts, feelings and behavior; not for others.
If I want a person to be in my life, I need to love them as they are, and if the
relationship is not mutually loving and supportive, I must be able to see the
stark reality of the situation and find the courage to leave them for the sake
of my own sanity. In addition, my years of meditation have allowed for a
sense of spaciousness to expand within me over time. I can listen more
easily to my intuitive guidance and hear, feel and visualize what a person is
expressing if they can’t recognize it themselves.
Both of these practices gave me, as well as my husband at the time, a huge
amount of healing around our acquired unhealthy ways of thinking and
behaving, as well as provided a strong foundation for raising our children.
We had a common goal during our marriage that we would give our
children a better life than we had had. Our children learned the practice of
not holding resentments, setting healthy boundaries, communicating their
needs and limitations, and seeking help to find a way out of pain. We had
discussions around feelings and concerns, and clarified options for working
them through. No doubt we did give them a better life than ours. But they
still picked up on some of our lingering wounds of shame, unworthiness
and abandonment. It was unavoidable when wounding runs deep.
Nonetheless, I’m grateful that as adults they know how to help themselves
and others in a healthier way than we did at their age.
Once our kids were independent and I was ready to leave my
marriage and community involvements behind, I decided in the spring of
2021 to pack up my car and head west to feel more independence and
freedom by working on farms in exchange for room and board. I wanted to
connect with people who were not believing in the mainstream narrative
around the virus, and I also wanted to find others more like me who knew
about living a healthy and balanced kind of lifestyle. I definitely found
others who did not believe the mainstream coercion. But disappointingly,
after having stayed at several different farms, I haven’t found others who know
of healthy ways for living a balanced lifestyle so as not to create more
drama and stress.
I’ve continued to meet people stuck in situations where they showed
some main signs around abandonment including the 3 Cs of:
co-dependency, chaos and control. Co-dependency of staying in
relationships that are tense, competitive and reactive. Yet normalized
through complaining that they don’t have options. Chaos in daily lives full
of things to do, do, do, that often times seem very petty or plausible for not
being done that day. And then control over people, places and things.
This has been especially prevalent in women. “There is never enough time
in the day to do everything” is the expression I’ve often heard, rather than
realizing it’s really not so important to polish the appliances, talk to
everyone that calls, pick up more branches that fell outside or put
everything away in the kitchen perfectly before going to bed. They have
been major fixers of the problems in the home, family and community at the
expense of their own body, mind and emotions.
Being in control is such a common thing for us women, that it’s no wonder
the majority of people in the 12 step Anon groups are women. Simply using time
to just BE seems beyond reach, let alone simplifying our life or downsizing. We
could greatly benefit from developing these norms, but when we come from
households of abuse, neglect and not feeling valued, we no doubt have to
compensate from a deep sense of loss and disconnection. So I have seen
that whether in a city or the countryside, emotional stress and compulsive
behaviors are alive and well in us human beings. It has really been sad
and discouraging, but also something that has motivated me into further
exploration.
Some pieces of the puzzle have come together while exploring our stolen
history. Over the past few years, I’ve delved into learning about orphans,
orphan trains and World Fairs, which were basically about trafficking,
selling or giving away children in the early to mid-1800s after the last reset.
We didn’t learn the truth around this in history class! What a fascinating
and disturbing thing this has been and clearly demonstrates to me how
abandonment would have been passed down from generation to generation.
Healing the deep seeded wound of the 3 Cs and abandonment isn’t
for the faint of heart. It is a necessary part of the healing process. Our
emotional wounds are embedded in us and the anguish of this pain is
crucial for introspection and release. I owe my release and awakening to
the healing I’ve done in my life; identifying, feeling and allowing the pain
that I’ve stored in my body to BE. Life is somehow good at orchestrating
situations that will bring these feelings to the surface when we become
willing and open to heal. And with the help of a loving, present and trustful
person to listen and guide us, I’ve seen it work for me and so many others.
At times, I’ve felt I was witnessing the miracle of grace as someone shares
their pain, shame and secrets in our space of loving acceptance and
understanding. We are the ones who have to go through it without
shortcuts. I haven’t found any as of yet unfortunately. How much we
elevate our consciousness in the process of our awakening is directly
linked to how much clearing we have done. And that clearing will be
reflected in how we see the world. It can be like a place to fight and
struggle for what is actually our natural birth rite. It can be a place where
we continue to be oblivious and in unconscious denial to what is happening
around us. Or it will be where we take the steps of diligent self-reflection
and clearing to live a freer, more balanced and healthy life.
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